BITE ME
Allison Elizabeth
Hello!!! Velcome, or, mwah ha ha, as you hoomans say double-vew come to the vampire recruitment partay. Count Dracula is so sorry he could not make it here tonight. He got a vittle too much sun. On a completely unrelated note, ve are hiring urgently! Mwah ha ha, ve best begin vis meeting!
Graphic by Mina Do
Vhy vould you vant to become vampire?
Social anxiety vanished! (You always vill know you’re invited to zee party) :)
Finally, a break from zee 9-5! (Sun was never good for you anyways) :)
Never have to deliberate on your fursona again! (You are bat) :)
Vov! Vat great points! Vut I am an honest vampire, I vill now tell you vee negatives.
Vhy vould you not vant to become vampire?
Killing of vee animals and people. :(
Blood stains on zee clothes. :(
No more garlic bread. :(
I tell you this because I believe in consent. Being a vampire is not an easy job as many of vee hooman jobs are. You scoop your creamed ice, pour your liquefied beans, and post your pictures of your artvork on the instant grams? I vould take any of these jobs any day over being a vampire. Ven I first got this job I thought I would finally get my vishy-vashy girl to stay vith just me. She vould see that I am not afraid of zee commitment. Being a vampire is forever! Vut all she say now is that I did zis to become ‘avoidant.’ Sveet baby girl! I am not avoiding you! I cannot go out in zee sun!
Dracula vas my bestest friend in zee vhole vide vorld. I never have to explain anyzing to him because he also a vampire. He understand my schedule and does not judge me for za killing of the innocent people. He understand zat ve must eat!
I ask my girl, “please become vampire too!” and she say I am being “pushy” :(
Dracula say “why not just make her one vhile she does the sleeping?” but zat is zee whole point. She not vant me to become vampire. I did not even vant me to become vampire. I just vant to be love. Heart go a thunk a thunk. All I do now is suck zee blood from zee heart now. No thunk a thunk. Just nothing.
Mwah ha ha. Vhere am I again? Dracula! Vat else is there to say?
Oh…yes. Right. Right right right right right.
If you are still interested in becoming zee vampire then I will be providing zee non fatal bite out in the back after zis meeting. Oh please, everyone, do not go all at once. Just zink. If you become vampire zen ve vill be friends. I am zee good friend. I am not alvays zee best, but I promise I try.
Oh! And I forgot to mention.
Ve sparkle. :)
