A Day in the Life of a Clown
Allison Elizabeth
It’s 7:47 in the morning. I don’t even know what time that would be at night. 19:84? My face is staring back at me from my pillow, which is strange because my pillow isn’t a mirror or a swimming pool. It’s my pillow. At first, I scream. AHHHHH. But seeing the pink and blue sparkles on my hands after slapping my face like the famous portrait makes me remember; I don’t remember taking off my makeup last night or getting home! Longggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg night. But as the clock indicates, the night is over! Seeing myself in a true mirror gives a better look at my sparkle power level, which is now only at half. I stare into my eyes for fresh makeup ideas, but all I think about is how beautiful I am! Don’t fix what ain’t broke! I rub my face on my pillow to take back what I’ve lost. My labubu dog stares at me from her pushpin where she is hung on the wall, yearning, pleading, shoving hot rocks in her mouth until I satisfy her by taking her down for some daily movement. We start our commute (walking) to work.
Nicole Nguyen
On our walk I play our favorite song.
Who says you’re not perfect?
Who says you’re not worth it?
I love Selena Gomez because she played a wizard. My labubu doggy likes Selena Gomez because of Rare Beauty (she has sensitive skin). We both like but do not love walks because we like but do not love to smell the trees. I despise but do not hate walks because I can’t blow my slide whistle as fast as my labubu doggy can swing on her hook (I carry her on my belt loop. NOT ANIMAL ABUSE! They told me at the pet store, then the specificity of the moment is lost, but not our trajectory!
We arrive to work 55 minutes early. The perfect amount of time to find my CVS breakfast. Easter is dead and gone until it happens again so all of the candy is shoved to one side. Breakfast special! 2 packs of peeps for the cost of 0.5. When my eyes move to see the next seasonal special they are horrified to discover it’s decorated for the Fourth of July? A holiday that has not existed until last year if I recall, as before it was ‘national sit with the labubu doggy inside day’, but also that isn’t for MONTHS! There are holidays in between! Such as MY BIRTHDAY?! And my pet labubu doggy’s birthday. They’re the same day. July 3rd. #twin. Being reminded of our kindred awakenings into the world brings my ear to her itty bitty mouth and she says through me,
LABUBU DOGGY: isn’t that Easy No Speaky?
Easy
No
Speaky?
Who put these red glasses on me? My throat is full of sand. My fingers fold themselves into fists. All caused by none other than Easy No Speaky. My coworker/boss/MORTALENEMY!!! We have been in a perpetual battle of wills ever since I heard him SPEAK and he won’t admit it. He always is claiming to be a mime by birth, but I KNOW he is a mime by trade. There is no shame in being something by trade! I am a clown by trade and I could run our office far better than any comedian by birth.
I do my best to avoid him, but my labubu doggy is always sending me signals to bark for her, so when Easy No Speaky came close to me I had no choice but to bark right at him!
Still PRETENDING not to know how to speak, he says,
(Raise of the right hand snapping on the button of the movement.)
Instead of words. Which translates to NOTHING because Easy No Speaky is a COWARD! The audacity to not even say hello WHEN I HAVE HEARD HIM SPEAK! But what if he didn’t realize my barking was a form of a salutation in doggy labubu form? I give him one more chance.
ME SPEAKING FOR MYSELF: Hello.
EASY NO SPEAKY: (Pulls off a pair of imaginary head phones and cups one hand over his ear.)
OH OKAY! So he is pretending to not know how to HEAR now? I don’t get what the point of being alive is if all we do all the time is just pretend. He’s just making it harder for everybody to connect with him. Or maybe he’s doing it because he remembers how RUDE what I heard him say was and now he is DEFLECTING!!!
ME LISTENING TO HIS ACTIONS: Um no, I will not be repeating myself. You clearly heard what I said.
EASY NO SPEAKY: (Shrugs and begins to go down an imaginary staircase.)
ME THINKING CRITICALLY: That’s not even the way to work.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
ME ANSWERING THE CALL: BARK. Oh sorry, hello?
There is no sound because it’s a video call from Easy No Speaky. He spins in circles and points to the clock.
Oh my JELLi! The gala during the day! The daytime gala!
ME PREPARING: Is there a dress code?
EASY NO SPEAKY: (Points finger.)
Since I’m in a CVS in the breakfast aisle he is pointing to a can of pringles behind me. I have no idea how to style this.
ME TRYING MY BEST: How do I style these?
EASY NO SPEAKY: (Places a palm on forehead.)
Okay so like a hat I guess? Wearing my crown I head to the biggest room in our office when I realize I can’t fit through the door. I turn to the security guard for some guidance when I’m told that
I am too tall to enter the room
Labubu Doggys are not allowed
Wow. Gatekeeping. Stinks. This had to have been Easy No Speaky’s plan all along. I play a sad tune on my slide whistle while me and labubu doggy commute (walk) back home. A morning of anticipating going to work really knocks the light outta ya. I can barely get one oversized shoe over the other before I am woken from my almost slumber by the voice of my labubu doggy through my own. What could I possibly be barking for at this hour? I pull out all of scarves from my mouth to clear up room to speak more clearly.
THE VOICE OF LABUBU DOGGY THROUGH MY OWN: Why would you let them tell you what to do like that? First the horrible millinery advice, then they openly just have a rule against me? Who are they to have so much control over our lives? Show everyone that clowns by trade are just as good as any comedian by birth. The end will justify the means.
Nobody looks out for me like my sweet labubu doggy does. Time to pull some pigtails.
Back at the daytime gala. Teeth barred, pringles can over my arm I AM READY TO SWING.
MY LABUBU DOGGY ANNOUNCES: (honks horn) When I think of a party without myself I am sad (sad slide whistle.) because I no longer exist (dun dun dunnnnnnn). My feet (moonwalks.) were made to sway out of time (drum beats a steady tune, the feet spasm.
), but that does not make me unworthy (triumphant music begins to play). A fear is an allergy and I do not exist to breathe with congestion in my nostrils (stabs EpiPen in legs). A clown by trade was once respected. We would dance and sing for kings and queens, but now we are made to take orders from mimes AKA the French? From now on I demand RESPECT! AND I WILL BE ATTENDING THIS DAYTIME GALA WHETHER I AM WELCOME OR NOT!
I pat my labubu doggy on the tips of her ears. She is a good dog.
EASY NO SPEAKY: (clicks something imaginary off his waist, hold it up to my eyes, jingles it)
ME NOW AS MYSELF: You have a labubu doggy too?
EASY NO SPEAKY: (Inhales and opens his mouth to speak. Beat. Sticks his tongue out and begins to pull imaginary scarves out of his mouth.)
EASY YES SPEAKY FOR HIS LABUBU DOGGY: Okay! But I get to sit next to that cute patoot pooch (sexy slide whistle).
ME SPEAKING FOR MYSELF: I’ll allow it, just know I forgive, but never forget.
(The gala continues and EASY NO SPEAKY and me being our labubu doggies together so they can kiss. They kiss for a long time, but not long enough to make me like EASY NO SPEAKY. I hope work isn’t awkward tomorrow because of this. Maybe labubu doggies shouldn’t be allowed in the office.)
