By Diana Campos

Twitch is one of the biggest and most active streaming platforms to this day. I have been a Twitch streamer for over a year now, a viewer for longer, but before I delved into the world of online live streaming, I was hesitant to join the site. I would be exposing myself to the unknown of this site. The fears of being made uncomfortable by gross individuals who could make rude and unnecessary comments towards me would become a reality. The fear of being bullied ran straight across my mind, as well, activating fight or flight mode within me. I was always scared of being perceived, because sometimes being perceived has led me to harassment of sorts. What I ultimately found, despite the racing thoughts of impending fear, was safety. And a new community. I committed myself to an exposure therapy of sorts. And I found myself loving it.

For a majority of my online life, I’ve felt that the streaming community was heavily straight, male-centered, and catered to. I’m thoroughly aware of internet trolls, which I have been exposed to since my early internet days as a tween. Yet, the trolls on these streamers’ platforms were more than I, as a viewer, could handle. The unhinged comments and toxicity emanating from many of the chatters were warping my mind. I became anxious with the thoughts of being at the palm of the toxic chatters and throwing myself into a dark experience. The fears of being emotionally damaged and the possibility of my anxiety being heightened were cementing themselves in me. Let’s be real; a digital footprint is already a scary idea as it is when you’re exposing yourself to the online public.

I would have to gather myself and create an online persona for Twitch. I would be putting myself on the streaming stage and breaking into a new character role, under pressure to make a person who would be appealing to whoever stepped onto my platform. The fear of steering away from authenticity and appraisal from complete online strangers was starting to settle within my chest, anxiety wishing to break free, beating away at the jail bars known as my ribcage.

Despite the never-ending fears of being a woman on a platform like this, I was actually inspired by other lady streamers. I saw how they interacted with their chats and built the kindest communities surrounding them. Almost as if they built a bubble of safety and protection amongst their viewers. I saw this as true success, and I wanted to emulate their exact formula. I reached out to their communities, learning and taking the opportunity to take in all this inspiration. With that, I truly committed myself to the exposure. Ready to take on a new challenge in my day-to-day life. And, oh, has the payout been immense for someone like me.

After a while of being a Twitch streamer, I’ve learned to peel away the facade I initially created in the beginning. I was finally building my own community that appreciated the person and not the persona. I was unmasking myself despite the fear lingering over me. Even if I was located in the smallest region and corner of the Twitch site, I was presenting who I thought I was. And not how I could be more appealing and eye-catching in terms of viewership. In the end, I found myself a community of viewers and friends that reigned in my most authentic self, in the face of the fears I still have. I found an online refuge, and I plan to stay put through it all.

Gendered Glitch: Women, Viewers, & the Twitch Experience

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